With Christmas around the corner,
and all of the little children wishing and writing to
Santa.
I decided that it was time for me to roll out with The Unfunny Truth About
Santa Claus
There are an estimated 2 billion children in the world.
But since
santa doesn't apparently handle muslim, hindu, jewish and buddhist children,
that reduces the workload to 15% of the total,
a mere 378 million.
At an average rate of 3.5 children per family
that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each house.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with
thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth.
This works out to 822.6 visits per second
this is to say that for each Christian household with good children
Santa has 1/1000th of a second
to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever food is left for him
get back up the chimney, get into the sleigh, and move to the next house.
Assuming that these 91,800,000 stops are evenly distributed around the earth
we are now talking about .76 miles per household
a total trip of 75,500,000 miles must do within 31 hours
This means that
Santa's sled is moving at 650 miles per second
3000 times faster than the speed of sound.
On land, conventional reindeer can carry, at most, 300 pounds
Even granting the ability of 'flying reindeer' to pull perhaps ten times the normal amount
we cannot do the job with eight or even nine.
we need 214,191 more reindeer, or a total of 214,200 reindeer.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,420 tons
Which is 4 times the load of the liner the Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance
which will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the Earth's atmosphere.
The lead reindeer will be subjected to 14,300,000,000,000,000,000 joules of energy
Per second. Each.
In short, they will almost instantaneously burst into flames
exposing the reindeer behind them
who will repeat the process
and they will also create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas, he's dead now."
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